Thursday, March 31, 2011

Funny Shit Kids Say #8

I can't wait to clean these up out of my carpet every day.
Okay, so I'm guilty. This is not an actual story, more of a joke that my dad just sent me in an email (he sends me at least one a day). I actually think that's what most dads use the internet for nowadays:). If you get offended by cuss words, then cover your eyes when you read this.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Monday, March 28, 2011

A Dad To Be Can Dream, Right?

When it comes to raising a child, most of us have our hands full. For me though, here is how my imagined storyline goes:
Child is born healthy. Baby sleeps through the night from day one, and it's crying sounds like the ocean tide. Child learns to play the banjo (insert favorite instrument here) at age 3. Additionally, he/she picks up soccer (insert favorite sport) as easy as learning it's ABC's. Potty training? Not necessary. When it comes time to eat, the child eats healthy food as if it's cookies n cream ice cream (insert favorite food). Another helping of broccoli and carrots? Coming right up! Read on...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

All in A Days Good Work:)

It's Tuesday, March 23rd, 2011. So far this morning, I have:

1. Brushed my teeth
2. Pooped
3. Ran 4 miles
4. Planted an Eastern Redbud
5. Almost planted a River Birch (but couldn't decide where to put it)
6. Ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, 2 bowls of Lucky Charms, a banana and a bowl of Cookies n' Creme ice cream for desert;)
7. Showered

And now I'm waiting on a painter to stop buy to give me an estimate, then it's off to work. I love spring. Trust me, I'm relishing every minute of this.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Target Ain't Got Poop On These!

B. Cooper - Your welcome ladies.


It may still be 5 1/2 months away, but I'm already thinking about how I can save money raising a child! I've decided to start with the product that Dads dread more than anything, diapers. After my initial visit to Target's baby section, I noticed how expensive diapers can get. Sorry hippies, I'm not going to carry around soiled cloth diapers. However, I may try to go the organic route which I think may be free of dyes, perfumes, etc. Since, the Target visit, I've become somewhat obsessed with the diaper isle and prices at every store I stop in to. Funny enough, it was by accident that I came across the cheapest option aside from manufacturing your own Pampers! Upon one of my frequent visits to Amazon.com, my cat walked across my keyboard, spelled out diapers and clicked enter! Prior to this feline miracle,

Monday, March 21, 2011

Funny Shit Kids Say #7

During a 5yr. to Kindergarten soccer class, I over heard a girl talking to a boy about how excited she was that her Pappa was coming over that weekend. She went on to mention that she thinks he still might be pretty upset about the death of her Grandma. The boy quickly empathized in a serious tone, "I completely understand, my neighbor's dog just died and..." To which she immediately responded, "I'm talking about my Grandma here, not dogs!"

Unfortunately, I'm willing to bet that we have probably all had this happen to us as adults as well!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Your Baby Booty and My Baby Booty, Were Sittin' By The Fire...

Horrible title, I know, but I love that song in Rain Man. A friend told me about a website the other day called, YourBabyBooty.com, and it immediately peaked my interest, although the name makes absolutely no sense to me, am I missing something?

If you're an expecting mother or hoping to be one day soon, this site is a must visit. Your Baby Booty is designed to help the mother to be (or even a baby shower attendee), choose the right items to register for. I went to Target the other day with my wife, and it's incredibly overwhelming to try and figure out what you "need" for raising a child! Thank goodness for mothers and friends who have already paved the way, and sites like this to guide us on our baby shower registering.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Funny Shit Kids Say #6

Reader submission from Taryn Cunningham-Williams of Cincinnati, OH:
One of my students told me today that he didn't have his homework because of his dog. I laughed and asked him if he really expected me to believe that his dog ate his homework. He said, "Oh no, my dog didn't eat my homework, he shit on it!" Gotta love third graders!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Caesarean Section. I'm Sorry, Come Again?

Julius Caesar as a Zombie
When Little Ceasar's first introduced the Caesarean Section back in 1984, the pizza world wept with joy! C'mon. Really?

We all know that a Caesarean section is a surgical procedure in which one or more incisions are made through a mother's abdomen (laparotomy) and uterus (hysterotomy) to deliver one or more babies, or, rarely, to remove a dead fetus. This procedure was given it's name after the Roman dictator Julius Ceasar because he was known for having his wives give birth by this procedure so that the women would not become "loose". Did I do it again? Are you offended? I'm sorry. No I'm not.

The first part of the above statement is obviously true, but believe it or not, I was able to disprove the second statement (which I actually thought might have a chance of being true). According to Wikipedia,

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Funny Shit Kids Say #5

Reader submission from Lisa Powers of Cincinnati, OH:

Rusty (my brother) had a lot of classic one-liners that we still reference in our family, including "You're really pretty, but you have a lot of cracks in your face." (aka wrinkles)

But one of my favorites (and clear indication of how little the kid understood the value of a dollar) was when he asked my mom for something at the store, she informed him she didn't have any money, and he replied, "Well, can't you just ask Jeanie for money?!" (For those of you who don't remember, Jeanie used to be what 5/3 Bank called their ATMs.)

Lisa was the winner of the first Reader Submission Contest for Funny Shit Kids Say. She received a $20 gift certificate to AlternativeMotive.com.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Pregnant and Still Hot - Maternity Clothes That Don't Suck

Homer in a Muumuu Dress
As hot as I think my pregnant wife is, there is a strong chance that they might not be feeling the same. With Christie owning a (5 time Best of Cincinnati) upscale new and resale consignment shop called The Mustard Seed Boutique, you can imagine the dismay she feels as she begins to shop for maternity clothes that don't, in my words, "suck". As much as I want my wife to not only look and feel beautiful, ultimately, she is the one that will be doing her own shopping. Occasionally, I will splurge to buy her something, and quite honestly (and not modestly) I must say, that I'm pretty good at picking out great looking stuff! Guys, this should go without saying, but please do not try to recycle your grandma's muumuu as a gift to your future mother of your child. Although, I could see a modified muumuu as becoming the new trend. Hmmm. Mommy MuuMuus, I'm trademarking it now

Friday, March 4, 2011

Pregnancy Tip for Guys #4


Learn How To Clear A Clogged Toilet
Make sure you have a really good (maybe even industrial strength) plunger in your possession during your partners pregnancy. This is especially true if she's taking those prenatal vitamins (which smell like vanilla), they'll really make her constipated. After at least a week of not taking a dump, it will be as if she's giving birth out of her backside. It's unlike anything you, or even that poor toilet has ever seen. If your lucky, she'll be too nauseous to plunge it herself and leave a surprise for you to take care of. Awesome.

If all else fails, buy yourself one of these.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Funny Shit Kids Say #4

The little boy we'll call Jimmy, was gingerly walking across the balance beam at Kids First Sports when he started having trouble. Jimmy started getting a little off balance and quickly became frustrated, as his eyes began to fill with tears. Quickly, the instructor offered assistance in a caring tone, "Would you like some help?". Immediately, Jimmy exclaimed, "No! I want all of it!".

Kids. Hilarious.
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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

You Baby's Name is Horrible! Are You on Crack?!

Unfortunately, my lovely wife will not let me name our child Sir William Wallace. So, it was time to think of names that were a little more creative. My sister-in-law showed me an incredible site called BabyNameWizard.com. I've done some research on baby names websites, and there are as many lame ones as there are informative. The Baby Name Wizard takes baby name searching a step further. Not only is the site graphically appealing, it's also very interactive, intelligent and most importantly, as useful as it is highly entertaining.

The NameVoyager (shown here) allows you to explore name trends by letter. So, if you like the letter "L", but you don't want to name your child a name that is raising in popularity quickly, use the NameVoyager to see the years in which certain names were popular and not-so-popular. My wife and I want a girls name that is old-fashioned (1950s), yet cool enough to work nowadays and into the future. So we used the NameVoyager to research names that we were already thinking about, to see if and when they were popular. Fortunately, the name Betty Boo fell into the decade we were looking for. Kidding.

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