|The Mandle - As properly demonstrated by me.|
Gentleman, I give you the Mandle.
It's an unlit manly smelling candle that helps you fend off gaseous attacks from your pregnant (or not) partner when properly affixed and sealed to your face (see demonstration picture above). Read on and enter to win...
My scent of choice is Balsam Fir. I'm a huge Pine smell fan and the candle is not only non-toxic, it's rather large in diameter, which increases the candle to face coverage ratio. Please note, affix and secure the vacuum sealed candle to your face at first sound or nasal ingestion of the beefcake. Important, no matter what your partner says, keep the Mandle attached to your face for at least 1 minute beyond the "it doesn't even smell" or "it doesn't smell anymore" comment. TRUST NO ONE.
Now, like you, I'm no a saint (as mentioned in prior posts about gas). Fortunately, the Mandle also doubles as a self-ventilation system in the event of a mishap. Follow the above instructions immediately after taking the standard "quick whiff" (just to see if it smells good:). If you are so inclined, the Mandle may be shared with other men who might be in the presence of your toxic butt bomb. Handle the Mandle and situation as if you were scuba diving and your friend's oxygen tank ran out of oxygen. Take a large vacuum sealed breath of your Mandle, hold your breath, then pass it to your buddy. Repeat as necessary or until you can retreat to fresh air.
We (meaning I) at Wonderful Whoopsie, want to see your homemade Mandles (affixed properly of course). Send us (me) your best picture and you may win your very own Soy Mandle. The scent will be chosen at the sole discretion of me (and what's on sale). Don't wait, send them today. CONTEST ENDS APRIL 30TH. Contest entries will be featured on Wonderful Whoopsie. If we have enough entrants, we will let the readers decide!
Please email me your contact info and picture to firstname.lastname@example.org